Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Year mark

Hubs and I have been TTC off and on (mostly on) for a year now. It's been quite the journey. I broke down and cried this month about not having a baby. It's the first time I've cried about it. The timing couldn't have been worse. I was sitting at dinner with my parents (who had no clue we'd been TTC for so long) and talking about my childhood. Realizing Lou wouldn't grow up with siblings as close in age as mine was a startling reality check. I had a GREAT childhood. I grew up doing tons of things with my family and having lots of fun with my siblings who, for the most part, had similar interests since there wasn't much of an age gap. That won't be the case for my son. My mom tried to console me by saying that she grew up with siblings further in age but that was no use. She never has been as close to her siblings as I am to mine. Then she told me Teagan would love his sibling now matter what the age difference. I know that's true but my dad said it perfectly when he stated "Six year olds have nothing in common with 2 year olds. Age does matter." He knew how I felt. At that moment, he knew that consoling me with false hope wouldn't work. Acknowledging reality, however did help. He got it. I needed someone to just agree with the fact that my family didn't turn out the way I planned and let me whine about it a little. Both parents expressed appreciation for hearing my say how much I loved my childhood. (I really did have a great childhood. My parents rock.) None of what I said before is meant as any criticism to my mother. She is usually the one who says just the right thing. This time it was nice just to have someone who can just acknowledge my frustration and let me lean on their shoulder while I cry about it. Then after a good cry, I realize just how great my life is and feel even better.

That's what happened this week. I feel SO grateful for my son. He is my world. I wouldn't change a thing even if I could. My mom did remind me that getting to spend one on one time with my son won't happen forever. I am focusing on making every moment with Lou count. Once I do have another baby, you can't go back to just one. I need to remind myself that appreciating what I've got is better than sulking over what I don't. I have a wonderful family and I am enjoying life in our little threesome. I don't need it to be picture perfect to love life. I have wonderful parents, friends and other family that support me and love me. I feel very blessed.

Oh and this time I am going to actually start charting my cycle. I think it will help to know what's going on with my body. I am hoping to at least have more information to work with. Since we've been TTC on and off, I am not worried about hitting a year and not having a BFP. It will come. In the mean time I am trying to stay positive.