Thursday, October 28, 2010

My first loss

When I got pregnant, things were going fine and I hit about 9 weeks and I had attended my sister's wedding that day, did some dancing and had a great time. I got home and started bleeding. I just sat in the bathroom crying. I just knew I had lost a baby. It was Saturday night, so there was nothing I could have done until Monday anyway, so I tried to stay positive. The bleeding was very heavy and there were clots. I knew that wasn't a good sign. I really felt deep down that I had lost my child.

Monday morning, I went in to the doctor's office and got an ultrasound. They found a heartbeat! I was so relieved my baby was alive. The doctor told me I probably just over-exerted myself and he put me on bed rest. I was only on bed rest for about 3-4 weeks (during that time I was still bleeding and then spotting) and then things seemed fine and the rest of my pregnancy went smoothly. I have an adorable 2 & 1/2 year old son and life is pretty good.

Since I established with a new doctor's office, they had my medical records transferred over and my midwife called to ask me about the twin I had lost. That was the first I had even heard of it. She told me that the doctor had put in my chart that he believed I had lost a twin. I didn't really know what to make of it. It seemed a little weird at first. I shrugged it off and continued on my day.

Then about 2 hours later, it hit me full force. I was in the middle of my shift at work and I felt tremendous pain. I felt the loss so deeply it surprised me. During my lunch break, I called my mom and told her. She had a miscarriage before and just knew exactly what to say. She told me how sorry she was and how glad she was that we were blessed enough to have my son in our family. She also explained the reason for the doctor not telling me about my loss when it happened. (She knew the doctor very well and felt like he was a really good guy, and I trust her judgement.) She said he probably withheld that information to keep me positive and to help keep my surviving child healthy. (While I don't necessarily agree with this, I can sort of see it.) She feels like he would have told me after I had delivered my baby. Problem is, my doctor passed away shortly after my son was born. I never went back to establish with anyone new until now.That's why after all this time, I am finally finding out that I did lose a child. I knew deep down that I had lost my child and was so surprised that I hadn't. Well, I was right. I did lose a child that day.

This is coming as such a surprise that I don't really know how to respond. I have gotten mixed response from people about this. Some people tell me they are sorry for my loss and that it's sad. Other people tell me that it wasn't a baby, just some unviable mass of cells. (Real sensitive, huh?) Other people react similarly to my initial reaction: "Oh, that's weird." I am not entirely sure what to make of all this myself. I honestly feel like God gave me the family I was meant to have, and I don't know that knowing about my loss would have changed anything. Sure, I wish I had known, but since I can't change that I am trying to come to terms with it all as well as I can. I am not angry anymore. I think most of what I feel know is guilt. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because my body expelled a dead baby and I didn't even acknowledge it's existence. I didn't even mourn the loss. Once I found out I still had a living child, (and since I didn't know there were two) the bleeding was just inconvenient and annoying. Know I feel stabs of guilt for ever having those thoughts. I should have been grieving the loss of my child and instead I was annoyed. I feel horrible for losing a baby and not even appreciating or even acknowledging the life of that child.

I guess the good that came from the experience is that I have a wonderful, healthy, happy 2 year old boy. I am even more grateful for him now. My husband is a twin and since he loves his brother so much and just loved being a twin, it was hard for him to realize that his own son could have grown up with that experience too. My husband still doesn't have friends that are even half as close to him as his twin. I know he really wanted that for our son. He kept saying every kid deserves a brother. Now that we know he may have had one (or a sister, we don't know the gender since we lost our baby so early) it made it hard. I suppose it's silly, but when I found out, I immediately thought of the other name we considered choosing for our son and then didn't. I guess I just felt like that was our Ryland. Like I said, I know that sounds silly. I know that the twin could have been unviable and probably wouldn't have survived anyway, but the mother in me cries out to honor what could have been my child. We would have named him Ryland Blake.

Not sure what else to say on the matter. I just needed to pour out my thoughts as they came to me. I didn't even proof-read or spell check, and I clearly had no direction in my writing. Merely thoughts on a page. Thanks for listening.

3 comments:

  1. First, it isn't crazy. Don't think it, don't say it. You have every right to feel what you feel, to know what sex your child would have been. If your baby (YES BABY) feels like a he, then that is what he is. Ryland Blake is a beautiful name.

    Do what YOU need to do. Grieve how you need to grieve. If that means honoring your child, then do it. No one can say you are wrong, because NO ONE feels what you are feeling. Even others that have lost children don't feel the same pain as you. Every loss is different, and every loss needs to be felt in its own way.

    People are going to be mean. They don't like to be confronted with death, and since it was an early loss, they will be even more callous.

    Sure, there might have been something wrong. There might have been a problem. Not knowing is the worst. Don't let your rational mind take over, it blocks things out. It makes it harder to feel what you need to feel.

    Nothing can make it better. Absolutely nothing. And knowing that your son would have had a twin and didn't makes it very very bittersweet. Yes, you are grateful for the son you have, but that doesn't mean you can't feel sad that you lost a baby.

    I know none of this helps. Nothing can. I'm glad your mom was able to help.

    Hugs and love.

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  2. I lost a triplet at 10 weeks. I think about it pretty much every single day. I think it was a "him" and his name was "Liam". I loved and still do love that baby, so much it hurts.

    You're not crazy and this is a lot to digest! I'm so sorry that you had to find out the way that you did.

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  3. *hugs a lot* I am sorry for your loss. It's not crazy, it's not weird, it's completely valid and understandable. You have every right to mourn and miss and name your son and honor his short mortality. Had he remained on Earth, he would have been beautifully and wonderfully loved, and you can still love him, and he is waiting to be reunited with you.

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