Thursday, October 28, 2010

My first loss

When I got pregnant, things were going fine and I hit about 9 weeks and I had attended my sister's wedding that day, did some dancing and had a great time. I got home and started bleeding. I just sat in the bathroom crying. I just knew I had lost a baby. It was Saturday night, so there was nothing I could have done until Monday anyway, so I tried to stay positive. The bleeding was very heavy and there were clots. I knew that wasn't a good sign. I really felt deep down that I had lost my child.

Monday morning, I went in to the doctor's office and got an ultrasound. They found a heartbeat! I was so relieved my baby was alive. The doctor told me I probably just over-exerted myself and he put me on bed rest. I was only on bed rest for about 3-4 weeks (during that time I was still bleeding and then spotting) and then things seemed fine and the rest of my pregnancy went smoothly. I have an adorable 2 & 1/2 year old son and life is pretty good.

Since I established with a new doctor's office, they had my medical records transferred over and my midwife called to ask me about the twin I had lost. That was the first I had even heard of it. She told me that the doctor had put in my chart that he believed I had lost a twin. I didn't really know what to make of it. It seemed a little weird at first. I shrugged it off and continued on my day.

Then about 2 hours later, it hit me full force. I was in the middle of my shift at work and I felt tremendous pain. I felt the loss so deeply it surprised me. During my lunch break, I called my mom and told her. She had a miscarriage before and just knew exactly what to say. She told me how sorry she was and how glad she was that we were blessed enough to have my son in our family. She also explained the reason for the doctor not telling me about my loss when it happened. (She knew the doctor very well and felt like he was a really good guy, and I trust her judgement.) She said he probably withheld that information to keep me positive and to help keep my surviving child healthy. (While I don't necessarily agree with this, I can sort of see it.) She feels like he would have told me after I had delivered my baby. Problem is, my doctor passed away shortly after my son was born. I never went back to establish with anyone new until now.That's why after all this time, I am finally finding out that I did lose a child. I knew deep down that I had lost my child and was so surprised that I hadn't. Well, I was right. I did lose a child that day.

This is coming as such a surprise that I don't really know how to respond. I have gotten mixed response from people about this. Some people tell me they are sorry for my loss and that it's sad. Other people tell me that it wasn't a baby, just some unviable mass of cells. (Real sensitive, huh?) Other people react similarly to my initial reaction: "Oh, that's weird." I am not entirely sure what to make of all this myself. I honestly feel like God gave me the family I was meant to have, and I don't know that knowing about my loss would have changed anything. Sure, I wish I had known, but since I can't change that I am trying to come to terms with it all as well as I can. I am not angry anymore. I think most of what I feel know is guilt. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because my body expelled a dead baby and I didn't even acknowledge it's existence. I didn't even mourn the loss. Once I found out I still had a living child, (and since I didn't know there were two) the bleeding was just inconvenient and annoying. Know I feel stabs of guilt for ever having those thoughts. I should have been grieving the loss of my child and instead I was annoyed. I feel horrible for losing a baby and not even appreciating or even acknowledging the life of that child.

I guess the good that came from the experience is that I have a wonderful, healthy, happy 2 year old boy. I am even more grateful for him now. My husband is a twin and since he loves his brother so much and just loved being a twin, it was hard for him to realize that his own son could have grown up with that experience too. My husband still doesn't have friends that are even half as close to him as his twin. I know he really wanted that for our son. He kept saying every kid deserves a brother. Now that we know he may have had one (or a sister, we don't know the gender since we lost our baby so early) it made it hard. I suppose it's silly, but when I found out, I immediately thought of the other name we considered choosing for our son and then didn't. I guess I just felt like that was our Ryland. Like I said, I know that sounds silly. I know that the twin could have been unviable and probably wouldn't have survived anyway, but the mother in me cries out to honor what could have been my child. We would have named him Ryland Blake.

Not sure what else to say on the matter. I just needed to pour out my thoughts as they came to me. I didn't even proof-read or spell check, and I clearly had no direction in my writing. Merely thoughts on a page. Thanks for listening.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Ready

For the first time in my life I feel 100% ready to TTC. I feel really good about my goals and the progress I have made. I feel really good about my relationship with my son and feel like a sibling wouldn't diminish that relationship. I feel good about my relationship with my husband and we are on the same page in wanting another child. I don't feel anxious about TTC and it doesn't consume my thoughts like it did in the past. I am taking a really relaxed approach and this month I am not even going to track my cycle. (Partly because Lou broke my thermometer and I keep forgetting to buy a new one.) I am just going to enjoy the holidays and hope that my Christmas gift to my family is a pregnancy announcement. That would be pretty awesome. I am also going to be realistic about it and I realize it is very likely I won't be pregnant by Christmas. I am OK with that too. I am just happy to finally feel completely at peace with a decision. And for me, the over-analyzer, that's major progress.