Thursday, September 30, 2010

Not expecting to feel this way

September, where did you go? This was the month I was supposed to start TTC. This was what I had been planning for months. I lost some weight, (still have a ways to go, but I made great progress.) started eating super healthy, taking prenatals, etc. I should have been ready, but I am not. The longer I wait the older my child will be before he ends up with a sibling. (and the more guilty I feel that he doesn't have one.)

September. This month, not only did I forgo TTC, I quit tracking my cycle! I haven't taken my temperature in the mornings since before our Disneyland trip. This was supposed to be the big kick off to TTC. I was hoping to have a better attitude toward it than I do. I was a lot more excited last month. Now that it's here I am dreading TTC. I guess I just haven't gotten out of this depressing funk I have been in lately.

I gotta get back in the groove of things and start out my next cycle at least charting. I suppose if I am dreading TTC this much, maybe I need to just not worry about it and let whatever happens, happen. But how do I do that while charting? I drive myself crazy sometimes.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Blah

That's how I am feeling lately. Just blah. I have struggled with depression throughout a significant part of my life and have even taken medication for it. I generally try to avoid medication, but I did get to the point where I felt it was truly necessary. I have weaned myself from the medication (I took it for less than one year) and although it did help quite a bit (for once I felt like myself again) I don't want to be on medication when plans for TTC are in my future. Knowing DH and I would want another baby sometime in 2011, I went off of birth control in February and started weaning myself from anti-depressants in March. I figured going off both at the same time would throw me out of whack a little too much.

I have mixed feelings about anti-depressants. I know they are over prescribed. I see it everyday. I work in a pharmacy and know first hand how prevalent they are. I also know that something a doctor should prescribe instead would be diet, exercise and healthier sleep habits. So I decided to take the initiative and prescribe myself those things that I know I can do to help myself. I started exercising 5 days a week and eating very healthy. I also set a better routine at night in hopes of sleeping better.

I noticed a slight improvement but overall, I wasn't any happier, didn't sleep any better, and I just didn't feel any different. I am afraid to admit this, but there are days that I honestly don't care enough to be the kind of parent my son deserves. I don't neglect his needs and I am loving toward him, but there are days that I feel no desire to interact with him. I just wish he would play by himself and let me have some alone time. Then I feel extremely guilty for ever having those feelings and I start to berate myself. Those negative feelings feed other negative thoughts and pretty soon I feel completely worthless and have no desire to even try at anything. I lay awake thinking there is no point to my life at all. I hate feeling that way. I love my family and especially my son. I don't want to feel that way or think that way. That's why I felt medication was necessary when I was on it. I am still going strong with diet and exercise, but now I am debating going back on medication despite hoping to become pregnant relatively soon. Living a miserable life just isn't worth it.

I know enough about medicine to understand that my depression isn't situational. It's truly a chemical imbalance that is improved with the help of medicine, but it's depressing to need a chemical to help me be happy. I also know enough about anti-depressants to know they aren't a "happy pill" as many people call them. They just reduce the amount I want to be happy and I know I have every reason to be happy. I also know that certain anti-depressants are fairly safe to take while pregnant, but I HATE the thought of taking anything but a vitamin while pregnant. I was offered and refused to take nausea medication when my morning sickness was at it's worst. Now I am considering taking an anti-depressant?! I don't really know what to do. I feel like it's unfair to my husband and son to keep living the way I have been lately. I feel like I need the medicine. I also want to add to our family and don't want medication interfering with TTC or pregnancy. Even though it seems pretty safe (so long as it is discontinued before the 2nd trimester), I always think about thalidomide and how people once thought that was safe until their kids were born with serious defects. I don't know what to do, but I need to do something.