Tuesday, June 29, 2010

AF you're LATE!

I am on cycle day 40! This is a record for me. I didn't want to test because a negative is disappointing even when/if I really don't want a positive. In those 3 minutes you wait before viewing the result, I completely convince myself that I want a baby. Just for those 3 minutes. I know that emotionally, financially, and physically I am not quite ready, but I still find myself wanting another baby so badly in those 3 long minutes that when the test shows only 1 line, I feel devastated.

I finally broke down and tested and of coarse it was negative. DH was really sad, which made it even harder. My LMP was May 21st. We are on July's doorstep and I still haven't seen AF. I am seriously annoyed. Since I haven't been temp charting, I have no idea when or if I even ovulated. This will be the last cycle where I am in the dark about my own body. I don't want to go through this kind of stress each month. I am going to start charting so I can avoid all this stress. If I knew that I ovulated late or even just how many days past ovulation I was, I wouldn't be stressed at all.

I know the tests are pretty accurate, but I always wonder if I will be one of the few people who get false negatives. I never have gotten a false negative, so I should just quit worrying and know that AF will be here soon enough. I will be wondering why I was ever excited for her visit once the cramps and bleeding start. I wish I could quit wondering about it. I wish I could shut my mind off, but no. I am literally losing sleep over this. I can't seem to snap out of it. I worry about what I would do if I was pregnant (like I mentioned before, not emotionally, physically or financially ready for another kid yet). I worry about how I will feel when I know for certain that I am not. I don't feel pregnant, but maybe I subconsciously want to?

I'm a mess.

1 comment:

  1. Testing brings out the worst in our emotions. I eventually just quit doing it. It was nicer just seeing AF than only one line on a test. Even when I was a week late.

    Hopefully you get some answers soon!!