Sunday, July 31, 2011


My life is good. I have a loving family, wonderful friends and a job I enjoy. So why is stress creeping into my life? I don't feel stressed. I don't have reason to be stressed. But my body is practically screaming to me that I am stressed. Lately I am not sleeping well and when I wake up I have to pry my jaws apart because I've been clenching my jaw all night long. My neck and shoulder muscles are also really tight and feel tense constantly. These are definite signs of stress.

I really try to relax. I honestly do. I meditate and practice yoga. I keep stress triggers to a minimum. I don't really know what's going to cause this. I'm getting a little tired of it. I need a decent night's sleep! I need to work the knots out of my neck and shoulders. I need to relax. I need a vacation. Not a trip per se, but a vacation from life for a bit; just a change in routine and some time to recharge. The only problem is, where do I fit that into my schedule?!

I think I might have time next week, or the week after...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Opening up about TTC

In the past I have been reluctant to talk to my CNM (certified nurse midwife) about being unsuccessful at trying to conceive. I am not ready for tests or to allow myself to be labeled "infertile." The thought is so depressing to me. But on the same token, I don't want to ignore problems if there are any. I find myself conflicted on what to do. I know when it feels right to discuss things with my health care provider, I will. Until that point, I will do what I can to be healthy and just keep on trying.

Recently I had my yearly exam and was so conflicted about whether or not to discuss trying to conceive. She already had it noted in my chart that I was not on birth control and was using natural family planning. She merely asked, if I was still using natural family planning and I just said yes. End of discussion. I totally chickened out. Well, I guess I just wasn't ready to talk about it.

This morning on an unexpected surge of courage, I called my midwife. I talked on the phone with her for several minutes about trying to conceive. She told me she could tell from our last visit that I was withholding something and that she hoped to hear from me. (I seriously love her. She treats me like a friend and never a patient.) She understood how I felt about not wanting to jump into tests or treatment and suggested that the only thing I do is add ovulation predictor kits to tracking my BBT. It's not necessary but could potentially help, so why not? I feel so much better now that I talked to her about it. I didn't feel pressured into doing anything I wasn't ready to do. It was nice talking to her about my concerns and feelings regarding trying to conceive. I feel a lot better about continuing on our path towards having another baby. I don't want it to be a medicalized process and hope that I don't ever need it to be. But I suppose if it does, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Anyone who has TTC for any length of time knows how irritating that phrase can be. Of coarse I want to relax. I am trying not to stress about it, but how relaxing can it be when that is all I think about 24/7?! OK that's not all I think about, but it does cross my mind at least 20 times a day. Seriously. I felt like I had a relaxed approach to TTC. I tried not to put expectations on myself or my husband and just "have fun." We have enough stress in our life I didn't want TTC to add to it.

Between being a full time working mother of a toddler and having a husband in his last semester of a grueling, fast-paced private college, it's been stressful! It's been more than stressful, it damn near ended our marriage and I wish I was kidding. But thankfully, we made it. We made it over each hurdle. My husband graduated AND found a job. (insert giant sigh of relief) Lou is completely potty trained. Finally. And I was able to cut back on my work schedule a tad. Instead of 40 hours, I'm only working 36. It doesn't seem like much, but it sure feels like it! Next hurdle: getting pregnant. We made it through the toughest times we have ever faced in our marriage so far and we can make it through this.

I don't have to try so hard to relax now. Life is getting less complicated and with the rough patch behind us, I can finally see the difference. I wasn't relaxed before. I wasn't able to relax before. With so many big decisions to be made and weathering a few storms, I never relaxed. I sure thought I had, but now I can see that I wasn't even close to relaxed. I know there will be other rough times in our future, that's just life, but for now I am celebrating having our latest struggles behind us and focusing on slowing down and enjoying life and especially our TTC journey.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Year mark

Hubs and I have been TTC off and on (mostly on) for a year now. It's been quite the journey. I broke down and cried this month about not having a baby. It's the first time I've cried about it. The timing couldn't have been worse. I was sitting at dinner with my parents (who had no clue we'd been TTC for so long) and talking about my childhood. Realizing Lou wouldn't grow up with siblings as close in age as mine was a startling reality check. I had a GREAT childhood. I grew up doing tons of things with my family and having lots of fun with my siblings who, for the most part, had similar interests since there wasn't much of an age gap. That won't be the case for my son. My mom tried to console me by saying that she grew up with siblings further in age but that was no use. She never has been as close to her siblings as I am to mine. Then she told me Teagan would love his sibling now matter what the age difference. I know that's true but my dad said it perfectly when he stated "Six year olds have nothing in common with 2 year olds. Age does matter." He knew how I felt. At that moment, he knew that consoling me with false hope wouldn't work. Acknowledging reality, however did help. He got it. I needed someone to just agree with the fact that my family didn't turn out the way I planned and let me whine about it a little. Both parents expressed appreciation for hearing my say how much I loved my childhood. (I really did have a great childhood. My parents rock.) None of what I said before is meant as any criticism to my mother. She is usually the one who says just the right thing. This time it was nice just to have someone who can just acknowledge my frustration and let me lean on their shoulder while I cry about it. Then after a good cry, I realize just how great my life is and feel even better.

That's what happened this week. I feel SO grateful for my son. He is my world. I wouldn't change a thing even if I could. My mom did remind me that getting to spend one on one time with my son won't happen forever. I am focusing on making every moment with Lou count. Once I do have another baby, you can't go back to just one. I need to remind myself that appreciating what I've got is better than sulking over what I don't. I have a wonderful family and I am enjoying life in our little threesome. I don't need it to be picture perfect to love life. I have wonderful parents, friends and other family that support me and love me. I feel very blessed.

Oh and this time I am going to actually start charting my cycle. I think it will help to know what's going on with my body. I am hoping to at least have more information to work with. Since we've been TTC on and off, I am not worried about hitting a year and not having a BFP. It will come. In the mean time I am trying to stay positive.